


Bleeding Love

by cadkitten



Category: Dir en grey
Genre: Angst, Cheating, Emotional Hurt, Fluff, M/M, Self-Harm, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2009-05-10
Updated: 2009-05-10
Packaged: 2017-12-03 23:20:51
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,691
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/703809
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cadkitten/pseuds/cadkitten
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>I never understood what it meant to feel like this, to feel so incredibly lost in my own mind that reality felt shattered.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Bleeding Love

**Author's Note:**

> Beta Readers: kawaiikyo, elyachan  
> Song[s]: "Bleeding Love" by Leona Lewis

Die POV

My hand hits the wall hard enough to splinter the wood paneling. It stings... it feels like the reality I can't grasp anymore. Even with tears in my eyes, blurring my vision, I can see the blood welling up, sliding from my knuckles down my arm like a tiny crimson river. In a way, it's beautiful... more beautiful than my life will ever be again. The tears overflow, wetting my cheeks as my breath chokes off, refusing to come. I feel like I'm draining away, like life is slipping away... but it's only the pain inside that makes it feel that way.

Crimson streaks through my hair as I reach up, tugging on the auburn strands, a scream bubbling up from deep inside, bursting free with a strength I've never been sure I had. My legs give out and it's only a mindless reflex that keeps me from completely crumbling. Drops of agony hit the floor, both crystal clear and murky red, mixing and swirling, just like my emotions.

I never understood what it meant to feel like this, to feel so incredibly lost in my own mind that reality felt shattered. In a way, I suppose I should have known, should have been able to at least comprehend it with every single time that I've witnessed Kyo falling apart right in front of my eyes. But you don't see things through the same glasses until you're standing in that place, your heart racing from the fear and the physical agony sweeping through you.

Things were fine until tonight. I was doing fine and I thought my entire life was on the right track. Kaoru and I had been together for almost four years. Every single day with him was something I cherished and committed to memory. The moments were precious, shining like the brightest star in the sky.

I guess things honestly started to fall apart about a month ago. At least when I'm honest with myself, I can see that a single incident wasn't as trivial as I honestly thought it was. We were on tour; the stress was getting to all of us, but especially to Kyo. He's always been my friend, my confidant. A certain part of my heart has always gone out to him, just not the part that I gave to Kaoru... nothing like that part at all.

I found Kyo behind the venue and it was more than obvious that he was breaking down again. If the tears that tracked down his cheeks in the pale moonlight weren't enough, the low wails he was making were. I hadn't seen it so bad in so many years that I couldn't even think about what to do, I just acted on instinct and pulled him into my arms, holding him close and waiting for the worst of it to be over.

By the time he'd calmed down enough to even talk, I'd run out of words to say to him, run myself dry right along with him. It's always broken me to see him like that, to find him falling apart and know I can never be enough to completely save him. In a way, what happened after that had been my own fault as well as his, though I can't really blame him for it. He didn't know about me and Kaoru... no one did.

Time felt like it froze in place when he looked up at me. His eyes were deeper than I'd ever seen them, more truthful and naked than ever before. The pain in them was so incredibly raw that it took my breath away. I felt like every cut he'd ever made to his body, every tear he'd ever cried, were my own. When his lips met mine, I couldn't find the power in me to pull away from it. It was too obvious that he needed me, that if I pushed him way in that moment, it'd all be over... he'd be over.

I reacted in the only way I knew, I gave him what he needed, kissed him back until he pulled away of his own volition. The way he reacted after that, the faint blush on his cheeks and the blatant avoidance of actually looking at me told me everything I ever needed to know. He felt something for me, but he'd never meant to let it slip out and he was already closing off to me when he turned away, his hand slipping down my arm, briefly catching my hand and squeezing before he walked away.

I would have felt guilty on my own after a while, but I didn't need to. When I turned around to head back to the bus, Kaoru was there, leaning against the wall and smoking a cigarette. He didn't look mad; he didn't even look like he'd noticed what we had done. Everything felt like it was in a haze as I explained to him about finding Kyo falling apart out here, drifting off when it came to how I'd comforted him. I was certain he'd seen that and didn't need to be reminded of it.

Even now, I can still feel the kiss Kaoru gave me then. It was hard, the edge to it entirely lustful. It was like all the love had been sucked from it. At the time, I thought it was my punishment, his retribution for what I'd done. But I was wrong... so incredibly wrong. That was only the start. When we got home from the tour, he was so sweet to me, so loving that I felt like I was drowning in it. He bought me things, made me dinner, made love to me almost every single night. It had always been fast and hard between us, but he was so gentle and soft on all of those nights.

A month... an entire month since all of that came to pass. And now he's gone. I left this morning after kissing him goodbye for the day, leaving for a day full of interviews and necessary meetings. Now I'm here, in the middle of our living room. It's almost barren; everything that belonged to him is gone. What was once a home is now only a house. I can feel it like a slap to the face. The love is gone, taken away and revoked.

There's a photo on the wooden floor right where the couch used to be. It's the picture we took the day after we started dating one another... the day after I handed him my heart. On the back he's written me a message, one that ripped my heart out and shredded it to pieces.

_Die,_

_It was everything to me while it lasted... you were everything. I loved you and I lived you. You were my air, my existence and my reason. This past month, I gave you my all... I showed you everything I ever wanted to before, completely without reserve. I wanted you to know... to see... to feel. Maybe it was vindictive of me to do that to you, but I needed to know I'd given it my all before I ended it between us. You crippled me, sliced my heart open and drained it. The way he looked at you... the way you gave him everything he wanted without even giving it a second thought... it's more than obvious to me that I can't have you to myself. I'm sorry, but I never have shared well and I never will. It's over, I'm gone and you're free. I wish you all the best and I hope you can find it in you to not let any of this affect us on a business level. I'll keep it out of work and I pray you'll do the same. I'd have said goodbye the right way, but I know I couldn't do it... I tried. For my own sanity, I needed out. But, Die... always remember that I loved you with all my heart._

_Kaoru_

I can't take it anymore, can't take the pain and can't take the way I'm feeling inside. It feels like I want the world to end, like I'd give anything to be consumed by everything to the point that reality doesn't exist anymore. His words are like knives, slashing at my wrists, tearing me apart in every way possible. My thoughts are racing, tugging me in a million directions, telling me to do things I know I could never carry through with.

It seems like the only thing I can focus on is my blood as it spills from my hands onto the floor. No one has ever left me in this much emotional pain before... never have I found myself on this level, this far down that it feels like I'll never get back up. I'm shaking and I can't make it stop. I feel like I'm going to throw up, but I can't seem to actually make it happen.

Just when I find the strength to stand, the strength to do what I thought I couldn't, as my steps carry me toward the bathroom, there's a knock on the door. Part of me is tempted to ignore it, tempted to follow the path I've just chosen... but the other part of me is grateful, thankful for the distraction.

I open the door without looking to see who it is, just wanting to see my savior as soon as possible. The wood swings open and my breath catches in my throat. My future is standing on the other side of the door, the look in his eyes weary and just as naked as it was that night in the parking lot. Our eyes meet and I can feel myself give in.

Kaoru knew... he always knew... he knew before I even did myself. Even as I open my arms, I already understand that I've opened far more than that to the blonde on the other side of the door. When his arms slip around my waist, I can feel everything draining away... and I know it'll all be okay.

**The End**  



End file.
